We don't need to feel worse first in order to feel better.

There's so much information out there about stress, trauma and how to heal that it can feel really overwhelming.

One of the narratives I find particularly challenging is the idea that we need to be constantly releasing and getting rid of whats 'bad' or what’s stuck inside of us in order to feel better.

By whats 'bad' I mean what’s causing you discomfort, usually tension and pain (whether that's physical or emotional).

That tension and pain is potentially entangled in past traumatic experiences or the effect of debilitating stress and the worries of modern life.

It's not that we don't want to stop pain and discomfort affecting us in the present moment, but that there's a way we can go about our healing that doesn't mean as soon a we feel something uncomfortable we have to get rid of it or ‘fix’ it as soon as possible.

I’m much more a purveyor of sitting alongside what feels challenging and I’ll explain why.

'Let it go'

We have so many options in the wellness sphere that are touted as ways to 'release' the discomfort from our modern lives.

Most are based on the model that if its hurts or is uncomfortable in some way to then it’ll 'work' better and we’ll get more out of it.

From intense deep tissue massage, forcing or collapsing into yoga postures or the high that's achieved after intense breath-work (kundalini yoga I'm looking at you), we are a culture obsessed with letting it all go.

We've become fixed on the idea that theres a cathartic experience somewhere out there that will rid us of the painful memories or aching spines and afterwards we'll be all healed, shiny and new again.

Unfortunately its indicative of our society and the things that are considered valuable.

We've been taught to value getting tasks done quickly and effectively so we can move on to the next thing (and the next), so we can continue to be as productive as possible.

We'd rather schedule a 60min class to exorcise (not to be confused with exercise) our overwhelming feelings than have to spend time creating a relationship with ourselves and addressing our inner beliefs.

But this isn't necessarily the route to long term healing. The 'quick fix' model is questionable to say the least and most importantly:

We don’t want to break down our physical or emotional containers. (and especially not in 60 minutes)

It’s important to remember, that what we so desperately want to release; tension or pain (emotional or physical) has had a purpose in being there and that is, to protect us.

Our body is always trying to protect us and help us stay alive, just sometimes that protection becomes what exacerbates the discomfort we feel.

The reason we develop coping mechanisms in the first place (physical or emotional) is based on our inner belief systems (to do with family, relationships or whether we're safe or in danger) and these coping mechanisms help us to function in the world.

The desire to get rid of these inner systems or change their structure too quickly can actually lead to us falling apart and causing ourselves more harm. Because essentially we're taking away our own support.

It would be like taking away the scaffolding from a building before it's been built.

So how do we heal and feel better without trying to exorcise our pains & past traumas or getting stuck on the idea that the more intense the practice the greater the release?

Firstly no healing can begin in the body without creating a sense of safety & stabilisation for ourselves.

If we can't find a powerful connection to feeling safe (or as I like to say ‘safe enough’) or steady in our body, our past stresses or traumatic experiences can continue to feel like the present and we'll stay stuck.

Secondly, I would offer that we need to find more creative resources in our day to day lives.

Finding tools for self soothing that help us feel emotionally and physically regulated and connected to the present moment.

These could be as simple as movement that makes us feel joyful and playful or hobbies that we love. On the other side of this, finding tools that help us tap into our inner strength and the sense of ‘I’ve got this’ and feel the power of our physical bodies can be particularly helpful for survivors of trauma.

Once we uncover the things that feel nourishing and supportive we need to do them often and be open to adaptability so that we can gradually learn new ways of being and change our patterns slowly and sustainably.

This means eventually our out-moded survival resources can begin to slip away on their own because we've created the support structures and inner integrity that can hold their release.

Because we've taken the time to let things be integrated and assimilated slowly.
Unfortunately this is whats missing in the quick fix catharsis approach to healing, there is no slow and sustainable.

In support of catharsis?

Yes, sometimes it feels good to have a big old release of emotional or physical tension and pain.

It can be extremely liberating to let go and feel like you’re being ‘cleansed’ from a certain emotion or feeling.

Personally I've had some amazing experiences in intense yoga classes and breath-work sessions but, and this is the imporant part, I've also had experiences which set back my mental health journey massively, which created such dis-regulation in my system that I had to seek outside help. And I for one am not comfortable playing that lottery.

A tip here, If you’re ever in a class or coaching environment that has you feeling unsafe, is triggering your internal warning system or feels intuitively ‘off’ - get out right away.

I’m not saying a little catharsis is bad. The act of crying is in itself catharsis and crying is wonderful, helpful and the body’s way of helping us release, but there’s a difference between allowing ourselves to cry and forcing it with a set of specific circumstances.

But as a practitioner & coach I feel comfortable knowing that I've created a safe and stable container for that to happen.

My role as the person that creates that container is to notice when a client is moving out of their window of capacity, becoming hyper-aroused or shut down, and finding a way to help them ground and become more regulated. Not push them further with the hope of creating a a bigger shift or cathartic experience.

When we work with the body in this way, aware of our thresholds and how much bandwiddth we have to hold what’s hard we learn to titrate the big feelings, taking just as much as our system can hold and then learning we can come back to safety and stability to integrate what we've learnt.

This process teaches us to move into difficult emotions without collapsing under the weight of them rather than avoiding them or trying to get them out of the body in a 'release'